Note: I’ve been managing a constant stream of migraine waves since mid-September resulting in controlled silence on my end of various communications – including blogging! As many of you know, doing what needs to be done (work, teaching, just laying low, etc) during those times is challenging and often impossible.
Today I seem to be in a migraine lull hence a blog post to communicate something that I wish to share with you, my readers.
On the cusp of my birthday, which coincided with a No Kings Day event 🙂 , I stumbled on something that ignited my activist/creative self and catapulted it into a sense of possibility.
“Fall of Freedom is an urgent call to the arts community to unite in defiance of authoritarian forces sweeping the nation. Our Democracy is under attack. Threats to free expression are rising. Dissent is being criminalized. Institutions and media have been recast as mouthpieces of propaganda.
This Fall, we are activating a nationwide wave of creative resistance. Beginning November 21–22, 2025, galleries, museums, libraries, comedy clubs, theaters, and concert halls across the country will host exhibitions, performances, and public events that channel the urgency of this moment. Fall of Freedom is an open invitation to artists, creators, and communities to take part—and to celebrate the experiences, cultures, and identities that shape the fabric of our nation.
Art matters. Artists are a threat to American fascism.“
As I delved deeper into this, I realized: this is a good fit for me. This is something I can do. This is something I want to do. Alone? Perhaps. And if necessary, yes, I’ll do my part as a soloist somehow, somewhere and in my own way. Even if it means just busking my “641” (see below) piece in a random outdoor space or playing it to some of my private students during their lesson. 😉
I’ll figure something out.
Meanwhile, I immediately came up with an idea for a project specific to the theme of Artistic Freedom/Activism. Simply put it’s a spoken word/music piece. I’ll take words from the 641 (word count) federally banned words and phrases list – current as of 10.1.25 – and create sentences, poems, catchy quips, use singular words, etc. which I will speak & intersperse amongst varying lengths of original music snippets.
I’ve begun choosing words and selecting/composing various musical snippets to play around with…it’s since morphed as project ideas do, but that’s my starting point.
This past Monday evening, I attended a ZOOM Fall of Freedom orientation meeting and I am encouraged. It feels good knowing I can speak up for Freedom of Expression/Speech/Etc. in this manner and in an organized event where it could perhaps make an impact.
Additionally, I reached out to a music teacher colleague of mine who is of like mind and excited to collaborate with me on this activist/creative venture in support of Freedom of Expression.
I’m not sure if I can find any local places (I live in a small, underserved* city in the South) that would be open to allowing this event, but I do have a modest list of places I’ll approach in the next few days. My collaborator buddy no doubt has a few of his own to check out where he lives. We may stumble on a group who is actually actively organizing an event and needs participants!
In any case:
I’ll – we’ll – figure something out.
Care to join us?
I’ll keep you posted as this venture evolves & unfolds!
*FYI: just one of the “641” among others used naturally within this blog post
please note: scroll/read to the end to discover who won the giveaway.
Robert Redford – August 18, 1936 – September 16, 2025 movie star, director, producer and film champion, heartthrob, environmentalist, philanthropist, family man, political activist, person of consequence and (he)artistic everyman
Movie star, director, producer and film champion
Most are acquainted with these aspects of Robert Redford’s legacy. I’ve seen most of his commercial movies close to their release dates on the big screen and enjoyed 90% of them. I’ve seen a few Sundance films and love the vibe of the whole festival. Here I’ll just highlight a few of my fav commercial movies from the RollingStone article, Robert Redford: 20 Essential Movies. note: hover over the arrow and click for more
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
released in 1969 – I saw this on the big screen at the Boulder Theater in 1970. Let the adventures & heartthrobs, begin!
Downhill Racer
released in 1969 – I saw this for free at the Chautauqua Theater summer film series in 1970 as a concessions worker! Of course, this attracted a large local following due to its relatable Colorado skiing vibe.
Jeremiah Johnson
released in 1972 – I love this movie because Dad loved this movie. One of Dad’s favorite Mountain Man Adventures that we saw together as a family on the big screen at the Boulder Theater.
All the President’s Men
released in 1976 – Based on the non-fiction book by Bernstein & Woodward, the two journalists investigating the Watergate Scandal for the Washington Post during the Nixon presidency. Of note: in 2010, this film was selected for preservation in the US National Film Registry by the Library of Congress as being “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” Let’s hope it stays there.
The Horse Whisperer
released in 1998 – The scenery, subject matter and silence were seminal. In fact, the silence in the movie house ( a large commercial movie theater) was as silent as the movie itself – novel concept these days, eh? I saw this on Date Night with hubby, leaving our 3 kids with a babysitter for the evening.
The Old Man and the Gun
released in 2018 – On my list of films to watch!
Heartthrob
Let me tell you, I didn’t usually go for the blonde & blue. Growing up, I much preferred Dino (blueblack/blackbrown, plus he felt like family) to Frankie (light brown/blue).
Even back in my preteen days of watching The Man From U.N.C.L.E on TV I chose Napoleon Solo over Ilya Kuryakin…even if Ilya was more youthful.
Of even greater significance is that my longstanding Beatle of choice has always been a toss up between George & John. Well, truth be told, I loved all four of them!
During my later college years, Billy Dee Williams as Brian Walker in Mahogany, and as Lando Calrissian in Star Wars was it for me. But in between all of that, when Newman & Redford hit the big screen with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, I knew Redford was the ‘best’.*
Of course, looks aren’t everything…
So when my middle daughter called to say she saw that RR had passed away, she noted at the end, “I’m sorry, Ma. I know he was your heartthrob”. Geez, was it that obvious?!
Environmentalist, philanthropist, family man, political activist
I can’t speak to the family man aspect of his life, but in reading various articles it becomes clear how much family life informed his career and life focus. That said, below is a good example of thoughtful consideration of current issues with his trademark pointed yet mellow activist attitude.
“Journalism is what keeps politics straight. Is politics telling the truth or not, you know, and very often politics doesn’t tell the truth. It just tells a story that’s being told by one side or the other. But it’s journalism that gets to the bottom line and says, wait a minute, we’re hearing this, we’re hearing that, but what’s the truth? You know I think we’re into that now.”
Robert Redford, circa 2017
Person of consequence and (he)artistic everyman
Okay, here’s where there’s a bit of a stretch of these attributes as applied to my personal story…
Once upon a time, during my freshman year at CU Boulder, I learned the Legend of Robert Redford - a former student who got wrapped up in the party scene and got himself expelled from the University. Of course, the fact that he went on to 'find himself' backpacking through Europe and emerged a creatively contributing member of society only served to reinforce the pull to do the 'drop out' thing for countless others of my generation. Of which I thankfully didn't succumb. Though I still yearn for my personal Camino Adventure!
Over the years, “The Sink” added this mural to honor their Star Janitor
Somewhere along the line I ventured deep into the nooks and crannies of "The Sink" on the Hill intent on searching out his autograph/comment on its graffiti laden walls. Meh. Not much to look at, but I can say I saw it in its original form. Nay, I can say I touched the space he wrote upon! 😍 As a rite of passage, I even took my middle daughter to view the graffiti wall her senior year in High School. The Legend lives on.
*at the time, the question was routinely posed: who’s the most handsome/best actor – Newman or Redford?
As promised, the winner of the “When Things Go Missing” giveaway is hereby officially announced: Tierney! Congrats – your book is in the snail mail. Thanks to everyone who showed such enthusiastic interest in Deborah’s debut novel.
Mini Review: When Things Go Missing by Deborah J. Brasket
Sitting cross-legged on the bed as Franny sorts through old journals and piles of stuff, I was there with her. As she discards pieces of her life no longer relevant to who she has become or where she wants to be, I was ushered into the world of the story which followed. The story of When Things Go Missing by Deborah Brasket.
This initial relatability of Franny’s character enabled me to ease into the unique family dynamics of living with an addicted adult child. Slice of life stories recounted by each member of the family – Franny (mother), Walter (father), Cal (son) and Kay (daughter) – interconnect yet move forward independent of each family member. Except Cal. The addict. Making little to no movement forward in his life, always dependent on others even during periods of recovery.
Thus, the family itself is in a constant state of uncertain flux, with personal growth and goals being held back by varying degrees over the years. The conundrum of living with and loving an addict.
As the first ‘thing’ to go missing, Franny upsets the tenuous dysfunctional family status quo. She spontaneously packs a light bag, her camera and snacks, then begins driving down the coastal highway with no destination in mind. How each family member copes and changes during her disappearance is the gist of the story. How Deborah crafts the story is what kept this reader, reading.
With the development of each character, I see the world through their eyes and think their thoughts. Getting into their heads coupled with action imagery in the narrative, they each speak their own story as it unfolds in the novel. A good example of this is in the scene where Kay’s new boyfriend unexpectedly arrives early at her apartment.
“You can’t be here already. I wasn’t expecting you this soon.” Her hands fly to her ponytail, pulling her hair free. She looks down at the dirty sweats she’s wearing and then at the mess in her apartment. Kay doesn’t do neat… “Tell me you’re kidding. You’re not really here. Not yet. Please.” She peels off her sweats and squirms into a pair of jeans. He laughs. “It’s true, I’m really here.” “Then wait… I’ll be out in a few minutes,” she tells him, kicking her dirty sweats into the closet.
This same immersive style of writing intensifies the overwhelming realities of Cal’s lifestyle as an addict. Deborah’s descriptions of the “matrix that holds everything together” – the people that make life on the streets as an addict possible – are visceral yet understandable to one not engulfed by those realities.
Glimpses of Cal as seen through his mother, sister, father, and assorted street people are woven into a complicated tapestry, expertly balancing his ‘endearing qualities’ with how those same qualities act as enabling his continuous vicious circle of addiction.
With scant softening around the edges, Deborah speaks – writes – with grit and grace.
Luckily for this reader, the story does not end there. There is much to relish from start to finish throughout the book. Nor does the novel come to an abrupt ending – hastily tying loose ends together for the sake of completion. It is not a fairy tale ending, but a workable ending. Addiction never truly goes away. People and relationships are always evolving. But the desire to stay connected with those we love is an ever-present driving force.
As in real life, we are all works in progress.
After sailing around the world with her husband and children, teaching literature to college students, and fighting for affordable housing as the leader of a nonprofit, Deborah J Brasket finally settled down among the golden hills and vineyards of California’s central coast to write the kinds of novels she loves to read.
As promised, one lucky commenter will receive a free copy of When Things Go Missing. Comment below to be entered into a drawing. Randomly selected winner to be announced sometime next week.
Sometime this past Spring, longtime blogger friend, Deborah Brasket asked if I’d be an ARC reader for her debut novel, When Things Go Missing set for publication September 22nd.
I jumped at the chance!
Some of you may be wondering: what exactly is an ARC Reader? First off, ARC stands for “Advanced Readers Copy” and is a manuscript its final proof stage prior to publication. An ARC reader reads the book pre-publication and posts a review before or immediately after the publication date.
Being a part of Deborah’s book launch is an honor. It is with great pleasure that I present my official quick blurb on the book here as an appetizer for my complete review set to be posted on September 18th.
When Things Go Missing is an excellent read, enlightening readers on issues misunderstood by many. It is one of the first novels I’ve wanted to keep reading through in ages. Brasket has such a rich, immersive style of writing that intensifies the overwhelming realities of an addict’s lifestyle— “the matrix that holds everything together” and makes life on the street possible. With scant softening around the edges, she writes with grit and grace. There is much to relish from start to finish throughout the book. She shows how people and relationships are always evolving, but the desire to stay connected with those we love is an ever-present driving force.
Laura bruno lilly, classical guitarist/composer/poet
Be sure to check out my full review on September 18th where I’ll be hosting a free giveaway copy to a randomly selected commenter.
Notice the byline on this post? Yes, the ‘USAID-funded researcher’ is none other than our middle daughter, Michelle. And yes, she is one whose voice was silenced on 1/20/2025. A few months ago, Michelle asked if she could share her perspective with my readers. It was time.
Part 3: Unresolved
My belief in people’s capacity to be compassionate has been severely challenged these past few months. I was disheartened to see people cheering for the rapid destruction of USAID online. Yes, the internet has given people the sense of freedom to be cruel and hide behind a curtain of anonymity. The internet has also made it easy for lies and partial truths to take on a life of their own, spiraling into unknown depths of conspiracy and fearmongering.
The “efficiency team” used social media to spread vitriol, claiming that massive amounts of waste, fraud, and abuse are [were] being uncovered but without showing the evidence. Certain “efficiency team” leaders and other national leaders would post that people like me whose work is USAID-funded are “leftwing lunatic Marxists”, “un-American”, and “criminal.” People who support the people in power made many, many vile comments in response.
It is hard not to take that personally or fear the retribution that may come from being labeled an un-American criminal.
On some of my darkest days, I would wonder:
are people truly compassionate, if they can easily become so cruel when granted anonymity?
Yet, I know this is not a complete or fair assessment. After all, not everyone has an online presence, and there are numerous people with (and without) an online presence who have shown their support for those in the international development and humanitarian assistance/foreign affairs community. Including, I might add, many of you who are reading this now.
Perhaps to the relief of my mother/the blog owner, her blog community (you, dear readers) has bolstered my waning faith in people’s compassion. You have engaged thoughtfully, you have asked questions and withheld judgement, and you have not stooped to name calling and vilifying. You have written your dismay at the inhumanity and cruelty wrought from the “efficiency operations.” You have shared hope for positive change. (Thank you).
Let’s be real. Yes, there is [was] waste in US foreign assistance. That is part of life. It is [was] not at the level being claimed. Sure, there is [was] fraud, there is [was] abuse. Again, part of life. Again, not at the level being claimed. Yes, these things should be addressed, and many were being addressed albeit quietly. Many of my colleagues, myself included, had strong opinions about how USAID and other foreign assistance agencies could and should be reformed. But waste, fraud, and abuse were not part of every single project. It was not being conducted by every single civil servant and every single contractor.
Instead, this “review” and subsequent stop work orders have led to incredible amounts of waste – food shipments that could never be distributed to their intended recipients, because that would be counter to the order. Instead, the food sits [sat] in warehouses in the US and abroad, rotting [and eventually incinerated]. Supplies shipped but never distributed, sitting in warehouses. Research started but never finished. Even now that USAID is officially defunct, taxpayers will still payfor the chaotic way in which the agency was shut down.
Yes, I am paying some of the price for the carelessness of this efficiency team’s “review.” But so are many other Americans who do not even realize it. USAID frequently sourced from Americans. Nutrition programs that were designed to help feed wasting children used RUTFs (ready-to-use therapeutic food), such as a product called “Plumpy Nut”. This is essentially a fortified peanut butter – nutrient dense, protein packed. It is sourced from peanut farms in Georgia, processed at a plant in Georgia or Rhode Island, and shipped via American shipping firms.
I admit, I feel a little “icky” sharing the reasons why foreign assistance is beneficial to Americans, as it ignores the true benefit: partnering with, supporting, and elevating the vulnerable while upholding their dignity. “Giving voice,” lifting up, and trying to make a small part of the world a little bit brighter.
Student Art, Beirut
My peers and I expected some kind of re-alignment of foreign assistance, maybe even a true reform effort. This is common practice with new administrations, and a true review could lead to some much-needed changes.
If the review of foreign assistance conducted as part of the “efficiency operation” was about money, efficiency, and true reform, there would have been an actual review. It would have been designed properly, to be transparent and methodical. It would have taken much more time than a few weeks or months, and there would have been a strategic plan for the review and for what comes after the review.
Meaningful reform takes time, it takes years. During which time, the 250,000+ people (almost 20,000 Americans) who are estimated to have lost their USAID-funded job could have kept working (and contributing to the tax base!) and we could have kept partnering with American companies and farms (who contribute to the tax base!) while continuing to work with and serve communities around the world (without wasting what had already been procured!) and seeking real ways to be more “efficient”.
No, I don’t think this was about true reform or enhancing efficiency. As I said in part 2 of this Giving Voice series, I think this was about testing the approach to this bigger project before taking it to other agencies. It was to test the reaction of the public. What can those in power get away with before the people start saying “stop”? No one really knows about this very small part of the government, so why not test it there?
My now-former boss reminded me early on in this period of chaos that it is easier to break things than re-build or build things.
This proof-of-concept was destruction – or, as those in the world of tech like to say, it was “disruption.” This was a disruption without any thought for what comes next. It will take years to build something new, if anyone wants to build something new. It will take years to [re]build trust of the U.S. that we carefully established across communities, across villages, across countries, across institutions. It will take years to undo the damage. The cost will be enormous.
I was furloughed then terminated from my position.
This means that, at the time of writing, I am eligible for unemployment insurance benefits, so now I am costing taxpayers rather than contributing while actively searching for a job. [At the time of publication, I have used my maximum allowed unemployment for the year and am no longer receiving unemployment but still actively searching for a job.] The changes to foreign assistance are still ongoing, with continued chaos and confusion. It is exhausting, emotionally and physically.
My peers and I continue to seek ways to do the work we/they are passionate about. I read their posts sharing how they are innovating new approaches that do not rely on U.S. government funding, seeking jobs at foundations and in other countries, and brainstorming new models for development and humanitarian assistance. They have built new communities of “USAID alumni.” These communities bring us together to be creative in our pursuit of new models, and they act as a support group when we get bogged down in the negative comments.
Boat Quote: Where There Is Love, There Is A Life” – Byblos, Lebanon
I still think about that woman, the new mother in Ituri province, DRC. She was so proud to be a mother that she tried to convince the doctors to let me hold her newborn (I was secretly glad that the doctors refused since this was at the height of COVID-19 and I did not want to risk infecting her precious new babe). She was so grateful that she gave birth safely in a clinic. She thanked me. I did nothing more than work for an organization that helped people in that community build a maternity clinic and get supplies. I played no role in that process. But she thanked me, nonetheless. I mentally thank her, for helping me see my own arrogance in that moment, for reminding me of what matters. I pray that I can be as strong as her. I pray that she and her child are safe and healthy. I pray that people regain their compassion and remember that all humans deserve dignity and respect.
The road ends, but the journey continues…
Header photo: USAID presence in DRC with non-governmental organization (NGO) affiliate logo scrubbed for privacy reasons Ending photo: Rural Road, Côte d’Ivoire All photos: Michelle L. Solorio
For Non-Exhaustive List of Additional Reading click here
Well, it’s come in handy as a transitional tool to ease into taking a break for most of August.
After weeks of teaching summer session lessons, following through with essential tasks, the editing/layout of my current Giving Voice series (part three is still in the works), and dealing with heat, heavy air and asthma, I’m ready to hit the pause button.
To refresh your memory, a little less than a year ago, I expounded on the virtues of a method I devised to help stay focused, motivated and balanced while working on specific music project goals. I set up a way to accrue points on time spent doing various aspects of specific items (ToDos) related to my primary music project Goals and translated them into ‘reward time’.
I called it the Ankara Reward because I’d been itching to play around with the Ankara fabric/Moda Grunge fabric combo I designated & set aside for a specific quilting project*.
Generically speaking the formula works like this: for x amount of time I spend on my priority/primary focus, I can then accrue y amount of minutes towards dedicated time for a certain other desirable activity focus.
Using this as a controlled ‘reward time’ helped when I was in a slump and needed motivation to keep going with my primary focus – music. It also served as a creative break that enabled me to return to my music with fresh eyes and an eager spirit.
Within weeks, I dropped the literal formula and flowed seamlessly from task to task. Making progress on ToDos, Goals, Tasks and plenty of Etc.s!
That said, musical goals are not as easily shared while in progress, so attached are some photos for you to see the Ankara Reward in progress.
left to right: 3 Ankara fabric finalists, chosen Ankara fabric, early piecing, first block with layout info, first block.
rolled up in noodle for storagefirst section layoutcompactly awaiting further sewingStopping off point for now – July 31st, 2025
Notice the byline on this post? Yes, the ‘USAID-funded researcher’ is none other than our middle daughter, Michelle. And yes, she is one whose voice was silenced on 1/20/2025. A few weeks ago, Michelle asked if she could share her perspective with my readers. It was time.
(note: part 2 is the longest of this 3-part series – read time 12+ minutes)
PART 2: Chaos and Destruction
I worked at a non-governmental organization (NGO) that won contracts from USAIDfor a variety of international development and humanitarian assistance projects. I know from experience that Americans typically do not know much about international development and humanitarian assistance.
A frequent question I get is along the lines of, “what does that mean?”
People who do this type of work typically have a brief response. We don’t spend much time sharing what we do unless explicitly asked, mostly because we love our work but don’t really see the need to market our work.
We love it, and we believe in it, and for us, that is enough.
My response is typically something like, “I do research about education projects that the U.S. is funding in lesser developed countries.” I elaborate when asked for more details, giving an example of a recent project I worked on. But honestly, I rarely expect anyone else to be interested in my work since I know that our passions are deeply personal, and work is not always synonymous with passion.
My standard way to change the topic goes something like this:
“I think this is cool, but I’m also a nerd and can sometimes drone on about nerdy things like my latest research project. Tell me more about [insert the other person’s job here]. That sounds really interesting!”
That said, a bit of context is in order. Foreign assistance makes [made] up about 1% of the federal budget, and that 1% includes diplomacy. Development and humanitarian assistance (a.k.a. USAID) only account(ed) for about 0.6% of the federal budget in fiscal year (FY) 2023 (about 0.3% of the federal budget in FY 2024).
I am focusing on the percentage of the federal budget here because the raw dollar amounts are large: USAID’s budget in fiscal year (FY) 2024 was about $21.7 billion. However, important perspective is lost when the focus is on the dollar amount rather than the proportion to the whole. Consider that the US federal budget in FY 2024 was about $6.78 trillion.
“Peace is not a vain word. It is a behavior.” Felix Houphouët-Boigny – first president, Côte d’Ivoire, 1960-1993“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr
Motivation for Peace Murals, Universite de Cocody, Abidjan
Given that people typically do not know this work exists, it might not be common knowledge that it was among the first (if not the first) industries targeted and destroyed by the new-at-the-time Administration’s “efficiency operations.”
I recall very clearly telling my best friend that I was in the cross-hairs because of the new “efficiency operations,” and she was honestly shocked. She told me that she had no idea that the work I did was related to any of the executive orders, and I share almost as many work stories and job-related details with her as I share with my husband.
Foreign assistance may have been among the first targeted by the Administration’s “efficiency operations” due to its relatively small budget, which lent itself to serving as a proof-of-concept. As a proof-of-concept, maybe the goal was to test whether the methods of the “efficiency team” to eliminate other federal agencies would be acceptable to the public.
With this theory in mind, let me tell you some of what happened, from an insider perspective. I am sharing some details here because I think again of my best friend. Every time I gave her an update, she was shocked. She told me that all she knew was what was being reported on the news, which was minimal. When I probed for details, I learned that the only thing she was hearing was that the “efficiency team” was conducting a 90-day review of USAID.
Please Note: and let me be VERY CLEAR about this, this explanation of “what happened” is ONLY MY PERSPECTIVE. I DO NOT SPEAK FOR ANYONE ELSE. I also caution, as a social scientist and qualitative researcher, this is subject to recall bias. *
Let me also be very clear that I do not know everything that happened. I can only share what I know, but I will offer a few resources at the end for those who want to learn more. I am also going to refrain from stating who is doing what. I may offer a few titles of people, but I’m not going to use names.
USAID Shutdown & Elimination of Services – Partial Timeline of events (2025)**
scroll down for interactive presentation or click here for pdf version
Piecing it Together
As I sat down to put the timeline of events in writing, I was struck with what the timeline shows and what it does not show. I see a rapid timeline, in which a 90-day review produced “results” within a few weeks instead of three months. I remember thinking at the time that everything was happening very fast, but I didn’t realize it was that fast until I made this timeline.
What is not easily conveyed in the timeline is the chaos. Yes, I mention the “roller coaster of terminations, re-approvals, partial terminations, and re-terminations,” and I share that we kept waiting for instructions on how to support the review. But the chaos was more than that.
Updates were coming in by the minute. At the NGO where I worked, we were sending messages to our colleagues and our leaders in Teams messenger, WhatsApp, and through “old fashioned” text messaging almost constantly to try to figure out what was happening and what we could actually do. Our internal communication channels were filled with links to every new update.
We wanted to know how we could spend our time at work if we could not work. What actions could we take to support the review and address misinformation? How could we be useful? How could we continue to collaborate with our international peers and serve those we wanted to serve while upholding our commitment to their protection and dignity?
Our biweekly staff meetings turned into weekly townhall meetings, and the NGO’s leadership team started sending email updates with FAQ sections. The main takeaway from the FAQ was that nobody knew anything. We wrote project justifications to explain how our projects supported the administration’s agenda, then we would hear that the terms used to explain the agenda had changed slightly.
We wrote and rewrote our justifications each time the administration clarified the agenda to make sure that we were addressing each new concern, but the agenda was never fully defined. “Make America stronger, safer, and more prosperous” was repeated, but we were never told exactly what that meant.
Instead, we would hear different snippets and talking points from the Secretary of State and try to glean exactly what that meant for us and our work as we wrote justifications that we would never get a chance to submit for consideration.
Our HR team gave us advice on updating our resumes and LinkedIn profiles. The leadership team told us that the company might survive the review but most likely our jobs would not. Our hours were cut, with an affiliated reduction in pay. I was lucky enough to work for a company that was transparent: I was given a week’s notice that I would be furloughed for 6 weeks, and I was told that I should expect to lose my job at the end of the furlough.
Not all of my peers were so lucky. Some started a random workday only to find that a new meeting with their boss had appeared on their calendar for 9:15 AM that same day, and they were let go with no advance notice.
During this period, a colleague told me a story about their experience out in the real world. While waiting in line at a coffee shop one day, they overheard someone in line say that all federal workers and contractors (which included all USAID-funded workers) deserved to lose their jobs because they were lazy paper pushers, grifting off hard-working taxpayers.
My partners in Lebanon, with whom I collaborated for a research project on the potential for tolerance education programming in the conflict-affected country, were reaching out to me on WhatsApp, sending me messages of hope and comfort. My colleagues in the DRC sent me messages of support on social media. I felt compelled to apologize in return, for the hateful message that our country was sending.
Some of my colleagues stopped sleeping. My body would not stop trembling from the adrenaline. My poor, patient husband held me while I wept, listened to me while I shouted, and watched helplessly while I stared off into space, trying to make sense of the chaos. It felt like we were fighting a battle but did not know the rules of engagement.
Sunset Over Beirut in Times of Conflict
Termination Logic?
Early on in the shutdown process, many of us suspected that contracts were terminated based on a simple “control + F” key word search to identify “terminology non grata” within contract documents, such as “woman”, “girl”, “diverse”, “equity”, etc. Ecology projects focusing on biodiversity were canceled, investment literacy projects focusing on helping people build financial equity were canceled, and so on. This seems [seemed] to be the case for grants outside of foreign assistance, such as NSF and NIH. For foreign assistance, since more than 80% of contracts were canceled, it seems more likely that the intention was “control + A + delete” (select all and delete).
A female-owned nursery in Bunia, Ituri Province, DRC that supports local & internally displaced women who make & sell pots for the nursery
Communication Embargo
I had to be very careful how I navigated the stop work orders, because contact with people outside of my company was tricky. USAID staff had been given very clear orders from above to cease all communication, so I had to make sure that any contact with my USAID counterparts used language that would not be interpreted as counter to the orders. But I had to communicate with them, to make sure that things did indeed stop and that all involved parties had the appropriate documentation of the cessation.
I had to be very careful about my communication with non-USAID colleagues, too, for the same reason – any misinterpretation of my communication as hostile could have negative consequences for my colleagues and maybe even for myself. Additionally, people were very afraid of being FOIA-ed (Freedom of Information Act), or of their email being hacked by people who were part of the administration’s “efficiency operation” – again, due to fears of misinterpretation and retribution.
People were scared – speak out, be accused of treason.
There arenow reports that indicate their fears were not entirely unfounded.
I was aware of my peers’ fear. I could speak out, but would I be putting them in danger of retribution, job loss, or worse? Will this blog post put my family on a watch list?
Do No Harm is foundational to my work and part of my core ethos, so I take this very seriously.
Make no mistake, we were being censored by the administration.
Gone was the evidence that the “review” was not based on reality. Gone was the evidence that shows that the projects are not some evil force, pushing terrible ideologies, full of fraudulent charges and corrupt practices.
Primary school in rural Côte d’Ivoire – teaching communication skills
When the public can no longer access the data, reports, and information, those conducting the review are free to say anything. This deletion of data, research, results, etc., is happening across sectors and agencies beyond USAID. Health data – gone. Health research results – gone. Websites – gone.
The virtual “wall of receipts” made available by the administration’s “efficiency team” is supposed to provide hard evidence of fraud and provide hard evidence of cost savings (or “efficiencies”). It is littered with inaccuracies and it keepschanging. When this is called out, the answer provided is, “we will make mistakes.”
These mistakes are costing people their lives, costing Americans their jobs, and costing the American public a lot of money. Yet those making the mistakes are not being held accountable.
These mistakes are careless, with very real consequences to people’s very real lives, and with consequences to operations, institutional knowledge, security, quality, effectiveness, and even efficiency. All of which have been glossed over in the name of the “savings” that do not exist.
*I have sought to mitigate this bias by triangulating my recollection with other sources and providing links to additional resources for the reader to explore. However, given my primary identity as “human” writing mainly from memory, please forgive any accidental omissions or unintentional misrepresentations.
**At the time of this Part 2 blog post publication, USAID is officially closed. June 30, 2025, marked the agency’s final day. As of July 1, 2025, all remaining agency work was officially consolidated and moved under the U.S. Department of State.
Header photo: USAID presence in DRC with non-governmental organization (NGO) affiliate logo scrubbed for privacy reasons Insert photo: Jungle Road in middle of Abidjan, Côte d’Ivoire All photos: Michelle L. Solorio
For Non-Exhaustive List of Additional Reading click here
Notice the byline on this post? Yes, the ‘USAID-funded researcher’ is none other than our middle daughter, Michelle. And yes, she is one whose voice was silenced on 1/20/2025. A few weeks ago, Michelle asked if she could share her perspective with my readers. It was time.
PART 1: War and Life
The room was small.
Not much more than a cinderblock room with some chipped paint. There was a small bed that looked more like a massage table, some buckets in the corner, some posters on the wall, and some equipment on another table. No electricity. No running water. There were two windows, positioned across from each other to provide a good cross-breeze, covered in light fabric curtains. The windows had no other covers – no glass, no screens. They were nothing more than intentional holes in the wall.
“The room was small…this room, in fact, was a birthing room.”
The window style is not unusual in Africa, in fact it is very common in schools, so normally it would not strike me as noteworthy. But this was at a health clinic. This room, in fact, was a birthing room. One of four in the clinic’s maternity ward.
This was for the non-governmental organization (NGO) I worked at that had helped build the clinic, train the doctors and staff, and provide medical supplies. I noted that the supplies were indeed received and were being properly sterilized and stored. I had long conversations with the clinic staff about proper procedures, safety, sanitation, privacy, and other topics.
I secretly thought to myself that I would never want to give birth in this room, for, while it was clean and sterile, it looked uncomfortable, and the window setup would make me self-conscious. Could there be any privacy? What about dust getting in?
l-r: photographer for the NGO’s communications team; sorting through equipment with clinic worker (shown); member of the NGO’s monitoring & evaluation team
Then the clinic director took me to the postnatal ward, to show me the beds where new mothers recovered under new mosquito nets. In the row of beds, there was one new mother – she arrived last night. Would I want to speak with her, the director asked?
Before I could answer, this woman began to thank me, telling me how this clinic saved her child and her from death. Without this clinic, she shared, she would have given birth in “the bush”, outside, while fleeing from militia and soldiers.
Who knows if she and her child would have survived.
I was wrong about the birthing room; it was luxurious indeed.
I have engaged with many people in challenging circumstances in my life as a researcher in international development and humanitarian assistance. I’ve met and played with many children, talked with many parents, had engaging conversations with teachers and administrators, given presentations to government officials, even held court with a king, in countries such as DRC, Côte d’Ivoire, Lebanon, Uganda, and others. This woman is one of many who live in my mind. But she is the one I think of the most.
I thought of her when the President signed the executive order to “review foreign assistance” on inauguration day. I thought of her again three days later, when the Secretary of State and the acting USAID Administrator decided that the executive order was not strong enough and issued “stop work orders” for all projects. And she is the one I have thought about every day since. To me, she symbolizes the vulnerable who will pay the price for any mistakes and errors that the powerful make in their careless, hasty efforts to pursue their agenda.
All photos: Michelle L. Solorio Header photo: USAID presence in DRC with non-governmental organization (NGO) affiliate logo scrubbed for privacy reasons Insert photo: Outhouses, DRC
For Non-Exhaustive List of Additional Reading click here
A few months ago, I finished reading “Beneath The Langley Cross – Reminiscences Of All Saints & Martyrs And Its People” by my Manc Bud & poet, Andrew James Murray.
What drew me in to reading this was two-fold:
An interest in the culmination of this several year project of my friend – gathering interviews and curating an oral history of a place I am unfamiliar with and
This is well-written (edited interview transcriptions), well-curated and covers a lot of ground. Spanning the years from 1954-present, it is easily understood in that the overarching story is told by those still living it. Additionally, as a non-Brit, I was able to grasp some of the cultural idiosyncrasies in context.
What struck me most was how the fellowship, community & outreach parallel the spirit of my experiences as a young adult during the counterculture Jesus Movement of the 60s/70s from across the pond in Colorado – earthy, gritty, hands-on, purity of intent, & making a difference in lives.
These people were doers*. “Living it out without emphasizing the fact.“** Crossing generations, social divides, cultural and religious differences.
I relate to this.
What makes this extra-ordinary for me as a Yank is the context of these living encounters occurring within the ‘organized’ Church. Specifically, the huge establishment called, the Church of England.
The book contains living examples of how denominational enabled faith can be a vital force within local communities.
It also teases personalities into the mix, making for many laugh-out-loud moments within the reading.
“There’re so many memories. I remember once, during the middle of the service, a woman, (who shall remain nameless), got up to go to the toilet in the hall. It was during the sermon when she came back, and she walked back to her place with this long line of toilet paper trailing after her out of her dress. I can’t remember who was giving the sermon but he didn’t miss a beat, just carried on. That could only happen at our church.”
Hilary Savage, Beneath the Langley cross, pg 185
As for The Langley Cross itself. My taste tends towards abstract expressionism, so from an artistic view, it immediately captured my interest. I looked up everything I could find on the sculptor, Geoffrey Clarke RA, and the history behind the making of it.
The fact that such a piece – real art – landed in an ordinary ‘overspill’ social housing area during the 1960s, I call miraculous.
The sculpture itself is 37 feet high and about 20 feet wide at the extremities of the transverse shaft and made of cast aluminum metal. No flimsy, non-descript plastic/wooden 2×4 cross for this congregation!
But that’s only part of the miracle.
The real miracle is that The Langley Cross speaks to the hearts of the people it serves. There is beauty in struggle, purpose in pain. Hope. A timeless message for a broken world.
“Clarke’s cross portrays the brutality of the ancient Roman practice of crucifixion yet at the same time seems to interpret this in a more modern context…the rugged structure of the Langley Cross, which is made in rough cast aluminum, serves to remind us of the harshness and brutality of the Cross on Golgotha…representing our Lord’s offering of himself for us on the cross to us in the Holy Sacrament – This is my Body which is given for you…“
* James 1:22-27 ** Mona Davies, Beneath the Langley Cross pg 59
Andrew James Murray is a writer and poet living in Manchester, England. Along with his own poetry collections – Heading North (2015), In Brigantia (2019) and Fifty (2023) – his work has appeared in various publications and anthologies, including Best Of Manchester Poets. Find his books here
Like many of you, I’m finding it difficult to post regularly. For whatever reason, and there are many significant factors involved, it’s just how things are for me right now. An easing back into the blogging rhythm just hasn’t presented itself before now.
I’ve noticed several bloggers I follow have courageously forged forth with timely posts echoing thoughts, hopes, struggles, fears and outrage similar to my own on the ceaseless chaos & cruelty that is bombarding the local & world stage.
One such blogger, Deborah Brasket, gave me a way to segue from my last post in February to today’s post.
In her post, Tending Beauty in an Uncertain World, she eloquently speaks of the tenuous balance she is trying to maintain in her (he)art, everyday life, and social responsibility.
“Like many of you, I struggle to balance myself in this uncertain world where the rule of law and so many institutions of democracy are crumbling around us. Where we are falling into fascism, failing to support human decency, our friends and allies, and the values that made America the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Like many, I falter between hope and despair. I struggle to know how to live this life I love as it is being destroyed from within.
Can I go on writing my novels, tending my garden, blogging about beauty, living a life of peace and tranquility? Do I abandon my piano, my artwork, my joy in living?
Do I take up arms and march in the streets? Can I do both? Will one taint the other? Will my joy be lessened, my rage take control?”
Deborah Brasket
I relate.
She found some insight in a poem by Gloria Horton-Young, The Quiet Art of Resistance.
I found some insight in a snippet from May Sarton’s journal entitled, At Seventy.
“It is order in all things that rests the mind…So what is the inward order that makes it possible to shut out the chaos around me as I sit here? Perhaps a strong sense of what my priorities are – first friends, then work, then the garden. If I died suddenly, how bitterly I should regret work undone, friends unanswered. As for the garden, that is my secret extravagance and one has to have one…The garden is where my madness lies, and that is a more useful madness than drunkenness or a tantrum…”
May Sarton
My priorities as per Sarton’s template?
First – family, friends and relationships (including my faith in a loving, caring God), then work- my music and all manner of my (he)art, then the garden – literally and all manner of other outlets.
There are other priorities, certainly…which makes for a good solid team in countering chaos & cruelty!
I am not going to give up on the beautiful and the good – I will not allow the ethos of the times to blur my vision or stifle my heart. Choosing priorities over chaos – sharing, caring, kindness, love, knowledge, truth – is exercising freedom in its purest sense.
“Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
