Notice the byline on this post? Yes, the ‘USAID-funded researcher’ is none other than our middle daughter, Michelle. And yes, she is one whose voice was silenced on 1/20/2025. A few months ago, Michelle asked if she could share her perspective with my readers.
It was time.
Part 3: Unresolved
My belief in people’s capacity to be compassionate has been severely challenged these past few months. I was disheartened to see people cheering for the rapid destruction of USAID online. Yes, the internet has given people the sense of freedom to be cruel and hide behind a curtain of anonymity. The internet has also made it easy for lies and partial truths to take on a life of their own, spiraling into unknown depths of conspiracy and fearmongering.
The “efficiency team” used social media to spread vitriol, claiming that massive amounts of waste, fraud, and abuse are [were] being uncovered but without showing the evidence. Certain “efficiency team” leaders and other national leaders would post that people like me whose work is USAID-funded are “leftwing lunatic Marxists”, “un-American”, and “criminal.” People who support the people in power made many, many vile comments in response.
It is hard not to take that personally or fear the retribution that may come from being labeled an un-American criminal.
On some of my darkest days, I would wonder:
are people truly compassionate, if they can easily become so cruel when granted anonymity?
Yet, I know this is not a complete or fair assessment. After all, not everyone has an online presence, and there are numerous people with (and without) an online presence who have shown their support for those in the international development and humanitarian assistance/foreign affairs community. Including, I might add, many of you who are reading this now.
Perhaps to the relief of my mother/the blog owner, her blog community (you, dear readers) has bolstered my waning faith in people’s compassion. You have engaged thoughtfully, you have asked questions and withheld judgement, and you have not stooped to name calling and vilifying. You have written your dismay at the inhumanity and cruelty wrought from the “efficiency operations.” You have shared hope for positive change. (Thank you).
Let’s be real. Yes, there is [was] waste in US foreign assistance. That is part of life. It is [was] not at the level being claimed. Sure, there is [was] fraud, there is [was] abuse. Again, part of life. Again, not at the level being claimed. Yes, these things should be addressed, and many were being addressed albeit quietly. Many of my colleagues, myself included, had strong opinions about how USAID and other foreign assistance agencies could and should be reformed. But waste, fraud, and abuse were not part of every single project. It was not being conducted by every single civil servant and every single contractor.
Instead, this “review” and subsequent stop work orders have led to incredible amounts of waste – food shipments that could never be distributed to their intended recipients, because that would be counter to the order. Instead, the food sits [sat] in warehouses in the US and abroad, rotting [and eventually incinerated]. Supplies shipped but never distributed, sitting in warehouses. Research started but never finished. Even now that USAID is officially defunct, taxpayers will still pay for the chaotic way in which the agency was shut down.
Yes, I am paying some of the price for the carelessness of this efficiency team’s “review.” But so are many other Americans who do not even realize it. USAID frequently sourced from Americans. Nutrition programs that were designed to help feed wasting children used RUTFs (ready-to-use therapeutic food), such as a product called “Plumpy Nut”. This is essentially a fortified peanut butter – nutrient dense, protein packed. It is sourced from peanut farms in Georgia, processed at a plant in Georgia or Rhode Island, and shipped via American shipping firms.
There are so many other reasons why foreign assistance is beneficial to Americans – soft power, addressing root causes of migration (which in turn can mitigate mass irregular migration to the US), developing markets for American goods and services, supporting national security, and so on and so forth.
I admit, I feel a little “icky” sharing the reasons why foreign assistance is beneficial to Americans, as it ignores the true benefit: partnering with, supporting, and elevating the vulnerable while upholding their dignity. “Giving voice,” lifting up, and trying to make a small part of the world a little bit brighter.
My peers and I expected some kind of re-alignment of foreign assistance, maybe even a true reform effort. This is common practice with new administrations, and a true review could lead to some much-needed changes.
If the review of foreign assistance conducted as part of the “efficiency operation” was about money, efficiency, and true reform, there would have been an actual review. It would have been designed properly, to be transparent and methodical. It would have taken much more time than a few weeks or months, and there would have been a strategic plan for the review and for what comes after the review.
Meaningful reform takes time, it takes years. During which time, the 250,000+ people (almost 20,000 Americans) who are estimated to have lost their USAID-funded job could have kept working (and contributing to the tax base!) and we could have kept partnering with American companies and farms (who contribute to the tax base!) while continuing to work with and serve communities around the world (without wasting what had already been procured!) and seeking real ways to be more “efficient”.
No, I don’t think this was about true reform or enhancing efficiency. As I said in part 2 of this Giving Voice series, I think this was about testing the approach to this bigger project before taking it to other agencies. It was to test the reaction of the public. What can those in power get away with before the people start saying “stop”? No one really knows about this very small part of the government, so why not test it there?
My now-former boss reminded me early on in this period of chaos that it is easier to break things than re-build or build things.
This proof-of-concept was destruction – or, as those in the world of tech like to say, it was “disruption.” This was a disruption without any thought for what comes next. It will take years to build something new, if anyone wants to build something new. It will take years to [re]build trust of the U.S. that we carefully established across communities, across villages, across countries, across institutions. It will take years to undo the damage. The cost will be enormous.
I was furloughed then terminated from my position.
This means that, at the time of writing, I am eligible for unemployment insurance benefits, so now I am costing taxpayers rather than contributing while actively searching for a job. [At the time of publication, I have used my maximum allowed unemployment for the year and am no longer receiving unemployment but still actively searching for a job.] The changes to foreign assistance are still ongoing, with continued chaos and confusion. It is exhausting, emotionally and physically.
My peers and I continue to seek ways to do the work we/they are passionate about. I read their posts sharing how they are innovating new approaches that do not rely on U.S. government funding, seeking jobs at foundations and in other countries, and brainstorming new models for development and humanitarian assistance. They have built new communities of “USAID alumni.” These communities bring us together to be creative in our pursuit of new models, and they act as a support group when we get bogged down in the negative comments.
I still think about that woman, the new mother in Ituri province, DRC. She was so proud to be a mother that she tried to convince the doctors to let me hold her newborn (I was secretly glad that the doctors refused since this was at the height of COVID-19 and I did not want to risk infecting her precious new babe). She was so grateful that she gave birth safely in a clinic. She thanked me. I did nothing more than work for an organization that helped people in that community build a maternity clinic and get supplies. I played no role in that process. But she thanked me, nonetheless. I mentally thank her, for helping me see my own arrogance in that moment, for reminding me of what matters. I pray that I can be as strong as her. I pray that she and her child are safe and healthy. I pray that people regain their compassion and remember that all humans deserve dignity and respect.
Header photo: USAID presence in DRC with non-governmental organization (NGO) affiliate logo scrubbed for privacy reasons
Ending photo: Rural Road, Côte d’Ivoire
All photos: Michelle L. Solorio
For Non-Exhaustive List of Additional Reading click here
I’ve been calling my elected representatives, but are they listening? We have the curse of living “in interesting times”. I’m sorry for your loss, and hope you find the work you want.
Perhaps they are not, but your actions are still important. I may have little impact on these “interesting times”, but I refuse to silently acquiesce.
Thank you Michelle and Laura for sharing this heartbreaking story from an insider viewpoint. Raising your voice this way is so important. The story of the grateful young mother and the shipments of desperately needed food rotting away make this tragic story more real and compelling for readers who know so little about USAID. I’ve always been so proud of the US in its effort to help the most vulnerable around the world, that soft power you talk about, that makes us a nation worth respecting. But now, no more. At least for as long as Trump is in power. I wish you all the best moving forward, finding another job that allows you to continue the good work helping others that was put on hold. You matter. And this story matters. Bless you.
Yes, this story matters…I am honored to have been a small part in bringing it forward.
Thank you for your insight and thoughts. Never stop believing in people (thank you, Anne Frank), as most people just need educating and understanding.
Thank you for the encouragement, Jennie. You are right, education can cultivate understanding (and build compassion).
You are welcome, Michelle.
Great series about an important topic. The way funding was stopped was inappropriate and insensitive, putting thousands of lives at risk. A better approach would have been to assess how the money was spent and adjust amounts accordingly. In my opinion, the U.S. is going to suffer for the rash decisions our leaders made, and we will probably end up spending more in the future correcting the errors committed by our government.
Unfortunately, I think you are spot on. We need leaders who have the courage to own/acknowledge the mistakes and take steps to address them. It will be hard work to repair the damage, but so important. Thank you for reading this series!
You’re so welcome, Michelle. I hope the next leaders are more capable and show greater empathy toward humanity.
Michelle, thank you for writing these posts. How shocking to think that there might be repercussions for speaking out like this. The whole thing is shocking. I don’t live in America but watching what is happening there fills me with anger, and yes, fear. So reading your posts not only helps me understand what has and is going on, but reminds we of all the good, compassionate people there are in the States. All the best. 🤗
We all need to be reminded that compassion still exists. Thank you for reading, Anne.
Thank you for putting the personal impact of these major cuts to important work. Of course, there can be ‘waste’ and overspend but many of these projects were life saving and soft power for the USA. As well as being what a rich nation should do. I dread the impact of all this on our UK politics. Not sure folk here are observing how terrible these first months have been in the USA. We need your stories. And stay strong. Wishing you all the best in a difficult world.
These things do have a way of spreading. Hopefully there are enough metaphorical canaries to share these stories that the lessons are taken seriously. Wishing you strength as well.
Oh good way of expressing it.
Thank you for this cogent and caring assessment. Thank you even more for all you’ve done.
Thank you for your kind words, Laura.
Again, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and perspective!
Thanks for dropping by, LA!
Thank you for reading them!
I deeply appreciate both of you. Courage seems in short supply.
Thank you for your warm regard & support, Michael. 🙏
Thank you for your support, Michael.
We have so much wealth in this country. Even our poorest Americans do not know poverty like there is in other parts of the world. Why can’t we share our abundance? I think everything was done so rashly – and why not first see where money could be saved and reduce any waste? Why not ask those in the trenches what they think could be done to improve USAID?
I hope blogging about this helps you process your grief and feel less powerless. It’s not just any job you loss – it’s a job where you were helping to make change in the world. Take a moment and celebrate what you’ve done and the lives you’ve touched 🙂
Your questions are so good and should have been the guiding questions to the whole operation. It’s astonishing that what seems common sense to us was not even considered.
I did find this blog miniseries to be cathartic, and I’m grateful to my mom for sharing her platform with me. I really appreciate your reminder that there is also space for celebration 😊 Thank you.
Thank you for articulating such a basic truth, Tierney. And with the suggestion to ‘Celebrate’…Always a good thing to do. You are right, my Michelle has touched countless lives and I confess, I’m kinda proud of her that way, too. 🙂
BTW: Look up this TEDX video, I thought of you (I didn’t want to copy the link in these comments as I think it would be a distraction). However the way my brain works, it seems related to this and the broader realm of ‘making a difference’.
Search for “The case for making art when the world is on fire | Amie McNee | TEDxManchester” on youtube and you’ll understand! 🙂
Michelle, This is heartbreaking on so many levels. So-called leaders are destroying democracy, livlihoods, health, and lives. I wish you luck in putting the pieces of your life together again. May sanity return very soon! Today, I watched a documentay about Americans moving to European countries. I am too old to consider that option, but maybe you are not. Take care! 💕🌈💕
Thank you for your support, Cheryl! You are right, European institutions quickly signaled that they value the work, skills, and expertise of the newly unemployed Federal/Federally-funded workforce, and there are jobs abroad. I’m not at that point yet, although living walking distance from a boulangerie in France does sound lovely 😊
Thank you, Cheryl for this. Sometimes I wonder if anyone (I know you do) even keeps up with current events anymore…Seeing the No Kings rallys & the recent marches against Occupation of DC, Chicago, LA etc gives me hope.
Unfortunately, leaving the country is an option not many can consider (financial, time of life, other barriers). While the USA gained scientists, poets, artists, philosophers, (and just great families & individuals) etc of significant stature & expertise in the ‘brain drain’ of European countries pre-during-post WWII, they had their own set of difficulties in adjustment…You know?
Your story is heartbreaking, Michelle, both for you and the many people that you have helped over the years. I have a cousin who worked for the EPA who left voluntarily during the first Trump administration when many positions were being eliminated. Though she was not furloughed or eventually let go, she was nearing retirement and decided to leave because, after thirty years working for causes she was passionate about, morale was at an all-time low within the EPA. She didn’t need praise but validation that the work she and others were doing was recognized as critical.
Thank you for sharing your cousin’s story. Loss of morale can be just as destructive as the elimination of jobs, if not worse. I hope that she has since found a community that recognizes the value of her work.
Thanks for mentioning your cousin’s experience – I’m always sad that stellar individuals in the work force feel the need (are forced?) to ‘retire early’ for such reasons…An example of how ‘brain drain’ in America has been ongoing for quite some time. Much to our detriment and only increasing as times/administrations/changing ‘rules’ focus on the eradication of those knowledgeable and passionate in their respective areas of expertise.
I am slow at catching up, Laura. I appreciate your daughter’s work. And yes, it is far easier to break things than re-build or build things.
Lavinia! Thank you for taking the time to catch up! It’s always a pleasure to hear from you. I hope all is well with you and the land and that you’re making music to your heart’s content.
Thank you for reading. Let’s hope that what has been broken will be rebuilt rather than cast aside as not worth fixing.
Oh Hon: Hadn’t thought of that! Such an obvious thing, too. ❤️ (Ma)
Michelle and Laura
Thank you for this series. Michelle, what you went through makes me sad and angry. I love what you said though, “I pray that people regain their compassion and remember that all humans deserve dignity and respect.” A definite job for God.
You are very welcome, L.Marie. It has been an honor to have my daughter present her story on my website/blog!
Thank you for reading through the whole series. It’s a blessing to receive such care from strangers (to me) and to know that you are praying as well.